IDENTITY CRISIS … The FFF to ????

For as long as I can remember I have been overweight..  Actually… that’s a lie.. I can tell you the last time I remember wearing a skirt that was above my knees… I was 12.

Even before then though, I was always on the chubby side.  Imagine this.. a chubby, 12 year old, freckly girl, with braces and a spiral perm. I knew I was never going to be the popular girl, my looks were certainly not going to get me anywhere, I had to create an identity that made me mildly interesting to my peers, and lucky for me I guess, I had a sense of humour and a quick wit.

I became the FFF – The Funny Fat Friend. I was called “The Comeback Queen”, I always had some smart ass comment to whip back at someone, which everyone thought was hilarious. Especially when comments were directed at me about my weight. Somebody once pinched my soft doughy arm to see if I could actually feel it through the layers of fat. I punched that person in the nuts and asked if gave them a headache, given they were a massive “Dickhead”.

2 years ago I made some massive life changes. I needed to loose weight. I did not want my weight to be a contributing factor to not being able to have children, I suffer from PCOS which can cause difficulties anyway, and I did not want to end up with Diabetes or any other weight related health issue. And whilst I knew embarking on a new healthy lifestyle regime was going to have its ups and downs, what I did not plan on was the anxiety about my identity.

Who will I be if I am no longer the Funny Fat Friend? Will it be enough to be just a “funny friend”. What if I changed and people didn’t like me, maybe I was accepted because I was mild and meek and didn’t stand up for myself?  What if I became confident and proud of who I was? It was a totally unexpected side effect of loosing weight,  I thought once I was dropping the KGs I would only feel amazing and confident. I never knew I would suffer this worry and anxiety and doubt.

I have been working really hard on dealing with these feelings and reminding myself that its all ok and that I am enough. Sure, some friendships seem to have run there course over the last two years, I may have “a bit less” friends, I have “a bit more” friendship – stronger, better relationships with wonderful people.  I am so thankful for the amazing friends and family who have been nothing but supportive of me, especially those who ate nothing but chicken and broccoli with me when I went through that “phase”. Although there is “a bit less” of me, I have “a bit more” of life.

xx

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IDENTITY CRISIS … The FFF to ????

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