if you’re happy and you know it…. ????

I never really knew how unhappy I was, until I was happy.

It sounds a little cliché, I know, but its kinda true.

When I sit here now and reflect on my past life, the person that I was and the feelings I had, I get very emotional and sad about the person I let myself be, and angry that I didn’t make changes earlier in my life.

At the time when I decided to make major life changes, I was miserable. And yes I knew that I was then, that’s why I made the changes, however I was miserable for a really long time before that, I just never really acknowledged it. It really was like I woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and really saw myself for the first time. 29 years old and only just realising I was missing an actual life. I can actually pin point the exact day I really acknowledged I was unhappy.

When i look back at photos, I was always smiling, so I must have been “happy” right?. But every single picture is basically a head shot, at one particular angle, I had worked out the best angle to hide my double chin and make it look like I kind of had cheek bones. I mastered the selfie very early on. I had always been told i had “such a pretty face” so I always made sure my make-up was on point, a big smile and no full length pictures. Or if there had to be a full length photo, I was in the back, making sure my body was covered, hidden behind a couple of other people where possible.

A few nights ago I was shown a photo of myself from about 4 years ago, I remembered that night so clearly, it was a friend’s birthday, and I had felt so slim in the dress I was wearing. I look at it now and I want to cry. I was kidding myself back then. I remember getting home after that night, cursing my shoes, because I had terribly sore feet, of course it was the shoes fault, it had nothing to do with the fact that I was carrying an extra 50kgs than I should have been.

I was in a strange, very one-sided relationship for nearly four years, at the time, I thought I was happy with how it was going, happy that I actually had someone to cuddle on the couch with and watch movies. But when we never did anything but sit on the couch and watch movies, I was never really happy with that, I think I had accepted that it was as good as I was ever going to get, and well that was going to have to be ok, and I was overweight so didn’t deserve any better than that. Now, I am in an amazing two-sided relationship, where I feel loved and challenged and secure and motivated and actually happy. I never knew this was how I was actually meant to feel.

Today i posted my very first progress “before and after” photo to social media. One of my super amazing friends has been encouraging me to do so for a while. And while I am so proud of how I have come on my weight loss journey, posting a before and after photo meant that I would actually have to acknowledge that sad unhappy person and sort of show the world what a mess I really was. It was rather confronting but liberating at the same time.

I look at the photos, side by side, and I know now exactly how I really felt on the day of each photo, how I really really felt, not just how I may have looked. In the before photo, it’s a rare uncovered full length photo, I was uncomfortable, unfit, breathless, and sad. In the after photo (I actually prefer to call it “during”, cos I ain’t done yet) it is pure happiness and pride, loving the new outfit I had just purchased from a “slim girl shop”. It is a representation of hard work, sacrifice, blood, sweat and millions of tears. Its more than a physical thing, yes, I look better than before, but I am healthier and I am actually happy with who I am for the first time in my life.

xx

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if you’re happy and you know it…. ????

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