Guess who’s Back..

Well here we are again… it’s been a minute since i’ve taken the time to write down some of the things that have been going on. 


And there certainly has been a lot going on over the last 2 years. I have definitely felt a lot more like my old self, a lot less like the person I was working so hard to be – my true self. 


Over the last 2 years, I have given birth to my 2nd beautiful Son, meaning I had 2 boys under 2 (Send wine). We have entered a Global Pandemic , enduring lockdowns, restrictions, mask mandates, and separation from family and friends. 


During this time, I went back to work when Bohdi was 3 months old, which hurt my heart in more ways than I could have ever imagined. My husband lost his job due to the pandemic and started his own business. The company I was working for went through a merger, and we spent months waiting to find out if my job was safe or not. 


So to say it’s been a big couple of years, might be a little bit of an understatement. 


I do feel like there has been a downward shift in my mental health during this time, where I have wholeheartedly refused to take care of myself, using babies/work/stress/pain/lack of time as an excuse. I no longer feel like myself, although I do recognise this feeling, but I made a promise to myself that I would never get back here… and i didnt keep that promise. 


Not only have I put back on a decent amount of weight, I have suffered with severe anxiety and depression, neither of which makes me feel great and both have fed into each other making each situation harder than it should be. I do not feel like I have been the best mum or wife I could have been, I dont have alot of photos of me with the kids, because I don’t like how I look, I really want to change this. I want to feel better, be more comfortable and confident, I want to keep up with my extremely active kids. 


I am ready to take on the challenge to make some changes and turn my life around again… I have done it before, I can do it again. I am going to be gentle on myself, slow and steady wins the race, I am excited to feel strong and fit again, I am excited to wear 50% of my wardrobe again. I am excited to show my sons how fun I can be. 


Wish me luck … 


xxx 

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Guess who’s Back..

So we did a thing 

I was a day late … and I knew … I just knew!! 

Like I said in my last post .. since coming off the pill, I could set my watch to my periods, they were so regular .. and not 1 cycle had been a day late since. 

It was a Wednesday morning.. we had a wedding to go to on the weekend, so my head and heart was racing at a million miles an hour, I had to take a pregnancy test because I didn’t want to overindulge at the wedding if I was pregnant, that was one train of thought, the other train was all like “don’t be ridiculous, you’ve “tried” once, it doesn’t happen like that” then the third train was all like “all aboard …. we’ve done it..! We’ve bloody gone and got preggers”

My husband had the day off work that day … he was a groomsman in the wedding we were going to so was helping groom with last minute things .. anyway, he was in the kitchen whilst I anxiously waited for that test to brew … he had no idea that any of this was going on, so when I pulled the stick out of the cupboard and flipped it over and saw those words PREGNANT 2-3 Weeks, I was stunned, like actual disbelief. I took a few minutes had a wee happy cry and pranced down the hall to my unsuspecting husband and was all like “sooooo, we did a thing”. 

So we did a thing 

Let’s start at the very beginning.. it’s a very good place to start … 

We had a plan … we discussed it .. once we got back from our honeymoon, I would go off the pill and get my body back into a regular cycle. Or see what sort of cycle I would have .. you see, I have PCOS .. and had been on the pill for about 15 years, so didn’t really know what was going to happen. 

I lost close to 50 kgs a few years ago in preparation for hopefully helping my PCOS and being able to have a baby .. so went to see a Gyno just to discuss options and things to do given my age and history… at 33 I was absolutely not getting any younger. 

The doctor told me as my periods were super regular ( I could set my watch to my periods-it was bizzare- prior to weight loss and being on pill I has noooo idea when I would get one or how long it would stay around for) try for a baby for 6 months and if nothing happens go back to him and we could discuss pre IVF treatments. I had always thought that might have to be a possibility, but to hear if from a doctor was quite emotional. 

Anyway, I went home, via the chemist .. I got a stack of ovulation tests, pregnancy test and downloaded a few different ovulation tracker apps to prepare myself. This is October 2016. Now I had said to my husband that I didn’t want our “lovemaking” to become a scheduled chore to produce a baby .. to get worked up about exact times and days .. not to start with.. I wanted us to enjoy the process as much as possible… so basically when I knew I was coming up to my ovulation stage I would let my husband know what days could be good for some time between the sheets and then let him make his move! 

As it was coming up to xmas, we had family around and lots of engagements well into the new year, so it wasnt the most productive time, but we had decided come mid feb, we would start getting more serious with trying. That’s when I would count our “6months” of trying from. 

So mid Feb rolled around .. and we rolled around … and it was only just the beginning … 
Xx

Let’s start at the very beginning.. it’s a very good place to start … 

The uncertainty of things that are uncertain

I am a notorious planner. I like to plan things, I like to take control and organise things, and I am often anxious when I cannot make plans and organise things, I feel like things will turn out terribly.

At the moment, we are still in the long process of getting my partners father into a care facility. The procedure is taking a lot longer than we had originally thought it would. So things are still not settled in that regard. So planning to get my partner living with me asap is on hold until that is sorted.

Also, my partner is in the process of joining the Army. He has just about completed all of the requirements that are needed – medicals etc, and he has been approved, pending said medicals, for the roles he has applied for. However, once the medicals are all submitted and approved, it is again, another waiting game. Right now, they cannot give us a certain “call up” time frame. Like will he be going in before Christmas? Will it be early New Year, is it only going to be the middle of next year, and interfere with all of our wedding plans?

This uncertainty is doing my head in. I hate it when things are so up in the air, I do not do very well when everything is so uncertain. Especially when it comes to the big things, I like to be really organised, well in advance. There is 10 months and 2 weeks until our current scheduled wedding day. I have the big things locked in ie: Celebrant, venues, dress, cake, photos, video etc and have paid deposits for what I needed to lock in, however I am now at a stage where, until things are more certain, I don’t want to organise anything else, but I want everything organised. My head and heart and pulling in all directions and its very frustrating.

As we have recently moved, I am also looking for a new gym, I really enjoy going to the gym and need to go regularly. However, in regards to the Army situation also, if my partner goes in to the Army in a month, there will be 6 months of training then he will be posted somewhere around Australia, it could be in Brisbane, where we currently are, or it could be in Darwin, or Townsville, or some other place, miles away from where we are at the moment, so should or shouldn’t I join up to a gym and sign a contract for 12 months?

Christmas is another dilemma. This Christmas is my family’s big Christmas get together, we do it every other year. It is meant to be the 1st one that my Partner is coming to. With what is happening with his Dad going into care, and the Army, we are uncertain if he is going to be able to come. I have to go, my Mum is celebrating her 60th Birthday over the holidays and its my Niece’s 1st birthday. I am all booked to go, however if we wait to much longer its going to be completely unaffordable for my partner to go, plus trying to get the dog into the Kennels last minute never works out well.

As I type this, feeling super anxious, stressed and frustrated, I think joining a gym and signing a contract is a good idea regardless of what the future holds. A good heavy work out calms me down, settles my nerves and makes me more clear headed. In the uncertainty of things that are uncertain, I am certain that I will never regret one of those work outs, and then I can just let everything else work its self out.

So right now, things are a bit less certain and a bit more stressful than I like, however I am certain that once everything starts falling into place, everything is going to work out ok….. But please have your fingers crossed for me in the meantime.

xxx

The uncertainty of things that are uncertain

Hi, will you be my friend?

When I was 24, I moved countries. On my own. To a city where I didn’t know anyone my own age already. I had some family friends that I stayed with for a while, but no friends. No one to socialise with, to show me the cool places in town, or just to hang out with and chat about things we have in common. I had to start all over again, from scratch.

It was sort of a bit of poetic beauty perhaps. I also arrived to a new country, on my own with one suitcase. Everything I owned was in that one suitcase. I needed to completely start all over again, in every aspect. I needed more than a suitcase of belongings to make a life that I was comfortable with, I absolutely needed more than one pair of shoes, I needed a job to be able to purchase such items and I needed friends to make my life enjoyable, people to share adventures with, as much as I am independent and love to do things on my own, I love having fulfilling friendships.

I had been in my new city for about a week and took the 1st job that was offered to me, just to get some money coming in. It was for a very small recruitment agency. There were 5 of us. Including the manager. Thankfully there was this beautiful blonde bubbly girl who instantly took me under her wing. She was so warm and kind and made adjusting to working in a new place so easy. It wasn’t the most fun place to work, however having someone like her to hang out with made it so much better.

This blonde babe invited me out with her and her friends for Australia Day, I remember being so nervous and not wanting to go because I didn’t know anyone. I remember really having to talk myself into it. But I also remember having a wonderful time once I got there. And I met people that day that I have become the best of friends with.

Someone once said to me “You’re so lucky you have such a nice group of friends”. Yes its true, I do have a great group of friends, and they are wonderful people, however its not due to luck. I had to put a lot of effort into forming these friendships, put myself in uncomfortable situations, like asking to go along to things with people, and creating events for people to attend and contacting people I had only met and asked if they wanted to catch up for dinner or coffee without coming across as a weirdo. It was certainly not luck, in those days my self confidence levels were at an all time low, but I still had to push through. it was hard, and sometimes I cried and got super anxious, but eventually I didn’t feel like an outsider tagging along, I felt like part of the group. I felt like these wonderful, varied, beautiful people actually accepted me.

I recently asked 2 of my besties (These are two friends i have made since moving countries)to be my bridesmaid’s, and as excited as I was about asking them to be part of my day, I was overwhelmed with anxiety and fear and doubt. were we really as close as what I thought? Were the feelings of friendship mutual? I was adamant they would think it was really weird of me to ask them. But of course the moment I asked these wonderful women to stand with me I was at ease, their reactions put me right at ease. They are my friends, my wonderful people, who are my heart.

Making friendships after school / university can be really hard, especially in a new country, these are completely new people, there is no mutual friend in common to start with, its hard and confronting and uncomfortable. But you also get to make friends with people that you actually find interesting, not just people you happen to be in the same class as. Some times it can take more effort, but more often than not, it really is worth it.

Hi, will you be my friend?

He liked it, so he put a ring on it!!!!!!

OMG I am getting MARRIED!!!

Like seriously, my best friend, love of my life, asked me to be his wife!! And I screamed YES!!!!!

I was feeling like I needed a little motivation to really concentrate on loosing the last 10-15kgs I want to, and well boy oh boy did the universe send me some motivation or what?!?!?!

So this is how the weekend of amazingness transpired…

We often go away to a little country town, about an hour away from home, there is a cute little cottage we stay in, we can take the dog, its in the middle of no where with nothing to do but relax, drink wine and sit in the hot tub. We love it, its our little idyllic getaway spot and we try to go every few months.

When my love got his tax return not so long ago, he declared he got a little bit extra than anticipated and with that extra cash we would book our little cabin and treat ourselves and even suggested having massages before we headed up there as we have both been training pretty hard recently. So naturally I am all keen for this and start prepping for our normal little weekend away, and just as it happens I had a day in Lieu owing to me at work so decided to use that on the Monday as we could only get into the cottage Saturday and Sunday nights.

On Saturday morning, I was a little stressed out, trying to get everything done around the house, cook food for us to take and get us packed, (We have a deal, he organises and takes me away for the weekend and I arrange the food and the packing) but I managed to get everything I wanted to done and we walked out and headed off for our massages, to then I learn that not only am I having a 1hr relaxation massage, but also a 30min reflexology treatment, a full 90 mins of bliss. I am still in the dark and non suspecting of his engagement plans, I am just thinking that I am the luckiest woman in the world to have such a wonderful man.

Once our treatments were done, we floated home, picked up our bags and the dog and headed for the country, upon arriving into the driveway, instead of taking the track to the right to our normal converted garage type cottage accommodation, he turns to the left, up towards the big 4 bedroom holiday house with a pool and a view across the valley!! I was sooo excited and thought “WOW, what an awesome surprise”. Still in complete and utter darkness.

We settled in and we relaxed for a bit then chipped some golf balls in the back yard and had a few drinks with a cheese platter on the deck while looking out at the tranquil view just having a normal conversation. My love got up from his seat to “refill” our drinks and upon his return he started with ” So baby, there is another reason as to why I wanted to bring you out here” as he is saying this he is reaching into his pocket and pulls out a ring and drops to his knee. (This is where I kind of start to find it hard to breathe and just start saying “OH MY GOD” over and over again with hot tears running down my face.”

He had tears in his eyes as he told me how he felt about me and how I was “the one” and he had never been so sure about anything in his life, he said some other truly amazing things also, something’s that have blurred with all the emotion , something’s are too precious and I don’t to tell, I don’t want to let go of those words and put them out in the world, those words are just for me.

My heart was pounding in my chest it was so full and still is. I thought it was going to burst right through. I am still in the most wonderful bubble. We spent the rest of the weekend crying together and laughing together and planning some parts to our future together.

So now, I have more motivation than ever to loose these last 10-15kgs, to concentrate on getting fit and healthy, to make sure I am exactly where I want to be on our special day.

He liked it, so he put a ring on it!!!!!!

CAUTION!! Images in mirror may be distorted.

So naturally, when you lose a fair bit of weight, some significant changes come along for the ride. Changes like improved health and wellbeing, increased energy levels and fitness and a change in dress size and a change in the way we see ourselves, and also the way others see us.

In my last post I mentioned about posting a “before and after” progress picture and the fear I felt in doing so. One of the fears I did not mention in that post was about the way I saw myself. When I put the pictures side my side, I see a HUGE difference, it doesn’t even look like the same person, however I have a fear that when I meet someone in person they might be like “oooh so that “after” photo was obviously taken at a really good angle” like somehow I appear thinner in the photos than I do in real life.

When I look in the mirror, yes I see changes, and am really happy with the changes I see, however I don’t see significant changes in the mirror, it’s not a dramatic change in my eyes, I’m still a fat girl, I still have a spare tyre round my stomach (so maybe it’s just one now, instead of three). This is just one of the changes that I am learning to deal with. And I am certainly not saying that I am not happy with how I am, absolutely not, this is the happiest I have ever been in my life, it’s just sometimes, as most women tend to do, we don’t always see ourselves in the best light.

On the other hand, one of the other changes that comes along with weight loss is how we see ourselves in a good light, like when you manage to get into that goal outfit, or climb that mountain and you feel on top of the world and you want to shout it from the rooftops “LOOK AT WHAT I HAVE ACHIEVED AND DON’T YOU KNOW HOW BLOODY HARD IT WAS TO GET HERE”. Sometimes I feel rather insecure when I am feeling my best, It’s a very odd feeling, how do I take compliments, I’ve never really had to deal with many compliments before? Do I sound like a really obnoxious a**hole when I am talking about how far I have come? I am not posting weekly progress pics and weight stats on social media so everyone knows step by step my achievements, I have kept it pretty personal I think and just chugged along day by day, so I don’t think that I am shoving my progress down anyone’s throat (please if anyone knows me, correct me if I am wrong on this J ), I am so proud of what I have achieved and yes I want to tell people about my progress, but I feel so anxious and conscious about coming across “stuck-up”. I wonder if my friends find me annoying now, I was never confident before, are they finding my new found confidence annoying? The last thing I want to do is push people away, I am so grateful for the people that have stuck by me and supported me, and been such true friends. I am terrified of losing those amazing people.

I was chatting with a friend last night who has gone through a similar transformation to me and she also feels the same, anxious about being obnoxious, so I guess it’s just a natural feeling to have when you have lost a significant amount of weight. For both of us, our weight has always been a struggle, since a very young age, there was never a time that I was confident in how I looked and felt about myself, so at 31 years old I am discovering this for the first time and it’s a very peculiar journey, but a journey I am very prepared to continue on, who knows where it will take me and I am sure that once I “grow” into my new self, I will feel more comfortable about how I come across to other people and more importantly, how I come across to myself.

CAUTION!! Images in mirror may be distorted.

if you’re happy and you know it…. ????

I never really knew how unhappy I was, until I was happy.

It sounds a little cliché, I know, but its kinda true.

When I sit here now and reflect on my past life, the person that I was and the feelings I had, I get very emotional and sad about the person I let myself be, and angry that I didn’t make changes earlier in my life.

At the time when I decided to make major life changes, I was miserable. And yes I knew that I was then, that’s why I made the changes, however I was miserable for a really long time before that, I just never really acknowledged it. It really was like I woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and really saw myself for the first time. 29 years old and only just realising I was missing an actual life. I can actually pin point the exact day I really acknowledged I was unhappy.

When i look back at photos, I was always smiling, so I must have been “happy” right?. But every single picture is basically a head shot, at one particular angle, I had worked out the best angle to hide my double chin and make it look like I kind of had cheek bones. I mastered the selfie very early on. I had always been told i had “such a pretty face” so I always made sure my make-up was on point, a big smile and no full length pictures. Or if there had to be a full length photo, I was in the back, making sure my body was covered, hidden behind a couple of other people where possible.

A few nights ago I was shown a photo of myself from about 4 years ago, I remembered that night so clearly, it was a friend’s birthday, and I had felt so slim in the dress I was wearing. I look at it now and I want to cry. I was kidding myself back then. I remember getting home after that night, cursing my shoes, because I had terribly sore feet, of course it was the shoes fault, it had nothing to do with the fact that I was carrying an extra 50kgs than I should have been.

I was in a strange, very one-sided relationship for nearly four years, at the time, I thought I was happy with how it was going, happy that I actually had someone to cuddle on the couch with and watch movies. But when we never did anything but sit on the couch and watch movies, I was never really happy with that, I think I had accepted that it was as good as I was ever going to get, and well that was going to have to be ok, and I was overweight so didn’t deserve any better than that. Now, I am in an amazing two-sided relationship, where I feel loved and challenged and secure and motivated and actually happy. I never knew this was how I was actually meant to feel.

Today i posted my very first progress “before and after” photo to social media. One of my super amazing friends has been encouraging me to do so for a while. And while I am so proud of how I have come on my weight loss journey, posting a before and after photo meant that I would actually have to acknowledge that sad unhappy person and sort of show the world what a mess I really was. It was rather confronting but liberating at the same time.

I look at the photos, side by side, and I know now exactly how I really felt on the day of each photo, how I really really felt, not just how I may have looked. In the before photo, it’s a rare uncovered full length photo, I was uncomfortable, unfit, breathless, and sad. In the after photo (I actually prefer to call it “during”, cos I ain’t done yet) it is pure happiness and pride, loving the new outfit I had just purchased from a “slim girl shop”. It is a representation of hard work, sacrifice, blood, sweat and millions of tears. Its more than a physical thing, yes, I look better than before, but I am healthier and I am actually happy with who I am for the first time in my life.

xx

if you’re happy and you know it…. ????