Guess who’s Back..

Well here we are again… it’s been a minute since i’ve taken the time to write down some of the things that have been going on. 

And there certainly has been a lot going on over the last 2 years. I have definitely felt a lot more like my old self, a lot less like the person I was working so hard to be – my true self. 

Over the last 2 years, I have given birth to my 2nd beautiful Son, meaning I had 2 boys under 2 (Send wine). We have entered a Global Pandemic , enduring lockdowns, restrictions, mask mandates, and separation from family and friends. 

During this time, I went back to work when Bohdi was 3 months old, which hurt my heart in more ways than I could have ever imagined. My husband lost his job due to the pandemic and started his own business. The company I was working for went through a merger, and we spent months waiting to find out if my job was safe or not. 

So to say it’s been a big couple of years, might be a little bit of an understatement. 

I do feel like there has been a downward shift in my mental health during this time, where I have wholeheartedly refused to take care of myself, using babies/work/stress/pain/lack of time as an excuse. I no longer feel like myself, although I do recognise this feeling, but I made a promise to myself that I would never get back here… and i didnt keep that promise. 

Not only have I put back on a decent amount of weight, I have suffered with severe anxiety and depression, neither of which makes me feel great and both have fed into each other making each situation harder than it should be. I do not feel like I have been the best mum or wife I could have been, I dont have alot of photos of me with the kids, because I don’t like how I look, I really want to change this. I want to feel better, be more comfortable and confident, I want to keep up with my extremely active kids. 

I am ready to take on the challenge to make some changes and turn my life around again… I have done it before, I can do it again. I am going to be gentle on myself, slow and steady wins the race, I am excited to feel strong and fit again, I am excited to wear 50% of my wardrobe again. I am excited to show my sons how fun I can be. 

Wish me luck … 


Guess who’s Back..

Let’s start at the very beginning.. it’s a very good place to start … 

We had a plan … we discussed it .. once we got back from our honeymoon, I would go off the pill and get my body back into a regular cycle. Or see what sort of cycle I would have .. you see, I have PCOS .. and had been on the pill for about 15 years, so didn’t really know what was going to happen. 

I lost close to 50 kgs a few years ago in preparation for hopefully helping my PCOS and being able to have a baby .. so went to see a Gyno just to discuss options and things to do given my age and history… at 33 I was absolutely not getting any younger. 

The doctor told me as my periods were super regular ( I could set my watch to my periods-it was bizzare- prior to weight loss and being on pill I has noooo idea when I would get one or how long it would stay around for) try for a baby for 6 months and if nothing happens go back to him and we could discuss pre IVF treatments. I had always thought that might have to be a possibility, but to hear if from a doctor was quite emotional. 

Anyway, I went home, via the chemist .. I got a stack of ovulation tests, pregnancy test and downloaded a few different ovulation tracker apps to prepare myself. This is October 2016. Now I had said to my husband that I didn’t want our “lovemaking” to become a scheduled chore to produce a baby .. to get worked up about exact times and days .. not to start with.. I wanted us to enjoy the process as much as possible… so basically when I knew I was coming up to my ovulation stage I would let my husband know what days could be good for some time between the sheets and then let him make his move! 

As it was coming up to xmas, we had family around and lots of engagements well into the new year, so it wasnt the most productive time, but we had decided come mid feb, we would start getting more serious with trying. That’s when I would count our “6months” of trying from. 

So mid Feb rolled around .. and we rolled around … and it was only just the beginning … 

Let’s start at the very beginning.. it’s a very good place to start … 

Hi, will you be my friend?

When I was 24, I moved countries. On my own. To a city where I didn’t know anyone my own age already. I had some family friends that I stayed with for a while, but no friends. No one to socialise with, to show me the cool places in town, or just to hang out with and chat about things we have in common. I had to start all over again, from scratch.

It was sort of a bit of poetic beauty perhaps. I also arrived to a new country, on my own with one suitcase. Everything I owned was in that one suitcase. I needed to completely start all over again, in every aspect. I needed more than a suitcase of belongings to make a life that I was comfortable with, I absolutely needed more than one pair of shoes, I needed a job to be able to purchase such items and I needed friends to make my life enjoyable, people to share adventures with, as much as I am independent and love to do things on my own, I love having fulfilling friendships.

I had been in my new city for about a week and took the 1st job that was offered to me, just to get some money coming in. It was for a very small recruitment agency. There were 5 of us. Including the manager. Thankfully there was this beautiful blonde bubbly girl who instantly took me under her wing. She was so warm and kind and made adjusting to working in a new place so easy. It wasn’t the most fun place to work, however having someone like her to hang out with made it so much better.

This blonde babe invited me out with her and her friends for Australia Day, I remember being so nervous and not wanting to go because I didn’t know anyone. I remember really having to talk myself into it. But I also remember having a wonderful time once I got there. And I met people that day that I have become the best of friends with.

Someone once said to me “You’re so lucky you have such a nice group of friends”. Yes its true, I do have a great group of friends, and they are wonderful people, however its not due to luck. I had to put a lot of effort into forming these friendships, put myself in uncomfortable situations, like asking to go along to things with people, and creating events for people to attend and contacting people I had only met and asked if they wanted to catch up for dinner or coffee without coming across as a weirdo. It was certainly not luck, in those days my self confidence levels were at an all time low, but I still had to push through. it was hard, and sometimes I cried and got super anxious, but eventually I didn’t feel like an outsider tagging along, I felt like part of the group. I felt like these wonderful, varied, beautiful people actually accepted me.

I recently asked 2 of my besties (These are two friends i have made since moving countries)to be my bridesmaid’s, and as excited as I was about asking them to be part of my day, I was overwhelmed with anxiety and fear and doubt. were we really as close as what I thought? Were the feelings of friendship mutual? I was adamant they would think it was really weird of me to ask them. But of course the moment I asked these wonderful women to stand with me I was at ease, their reactions put me right at ease. They are my friends, my wonderful people, who are my heart.

Making friendships after school / university can be really hard, especially in a new country, these are completely new people, there is no mutual friend in common to start with, its hard and confronting and uncomfortable. But you also get to make friends with people that you actually find interesting, not just people you happen to be in the same class as. Some times it can take more effort, but more often than not, it really is worth it.

Hi, will you be my friend?

CAUTION!! Images in mirror may be distorted.

So naturally, when you lose a fair bit of weight, some significant changes come along for the ride. Changes like improved health and wellbeing, increased energy levels and fitness and a change in dress size and a change in the way we see ourselves, and also the way others see us.

In my last post I mentioned about posting a “before and after” progress picture and the fear I felt in doing so. One of the fears I did not mention in that post was about the way I saw myself. When I put the pictures side my side, I see a HUGE difference, it doesn’t even look like the same person, however I have a fear that when I meet someone in person they might be like “oooh so that “after” photo was obviously taken at a really good angle” like somehow I appear thinner in the photos than I do in real life.

When I look in the mirror, yes I see changes, and am really happy with the changes I see, however I don’t see significant changes in the mirror, it’s not a dramatic change in my eyes, I’m still a fat girl, I still have a spare tyre round my stomach (so maybe it’s just one now, instead of three). This is just one of the changes that I am learning to deal with. And I am certainly not saying that I am not happy with how I am, absolutely not, this is the happiest I have ever been in my life, it’s just sometimes, as most women tend to do, we don’t always see ourselves in the best light.

On the other hand, one of the other changes that comes along with weight loss is how we see ourselves in a good light, like when you manage to get into that goal outfit, or climb that mountain and you feel on top of the world and you want to shout it from the rooftops “LOOK AT WHAT I HAVE ACHIEVED AND DON’T YOU KNOW HOW BLOODY HARD IT WAS TO GET HERE”. Sometimes I feel rather insecure when I am feeling my best, It’s a very odd feeling, how do I take compliments, I’ve never really had to deal with many compliments before? Do I sound like a really obnoxious a**hole when I am talking about how far I have come? I am not posting weekly progress pics and weight stats on social media so everyone knows step by step my achievements, I have kept it pretty personal I think and just chugged along day by day, so I don’t think that I am shoving my progress down anyone’s throat (please if anyone knows me, correct me if I am wrong on this J ), I am so proud of what I have achieved and yes I want to tell people about my progress, but I feel so anxious and conscious about coming across “stuck-up”. I wonder if my friends find me annoying now, I was never confident before, are they finding my new found confidence annoying? The last thing I want to do is push people away, I am so grateful for the people that have stuck by me and supported me, and been such true friends. I am terrified of losing those amazing people.

I was chatting with a friend last night who has gone through a similar transformation to me and she also feels the same, anxious about being obnoxious, so I guess it’s just a natural feeling to have when you have lost a significant amount of weight. For both of us, our weight has always been a struggle, since a very young age, there was never a time that I was confident in how I looked and felt about myself, so at 31 years old I am discovering this for the first time and it’s a very peculiar journey, but a journey I am very prepared to continue on, who knows where it will take me and I am sure that once I “grow” into my new self, I will feel more comfortable about how I come across to other people and more importantly, how I come across to myself.

CAUTION!! Images in mirror may be distorted.